I can really relate to the title of this poem.  Sometimes on bad days, I feel I could do what the poem’s title says.  Sorry.  But life is sometimes like that.  Hard to acknowlege, but I’m not here to fool you, and I really appreciate honesty in others.

So, here’s Josh’s poem…

I Died of Loneliness
By Joshua Lerman

I died of loneliness,
slowly evaporated,
molecule by molecule peeling away, soaring to the sky like quiet sparks,
rendered translucent, then gone.

This small lake, once glistening turquoise, nestled in Colorado hills,
got smaller
and smaller
in the dry air.
Who could hold a lake?

All the movement,
all the turning hard in bed
thrashing
sweating
the smells.
Who would stay?

Who here is fully at home in themselves?
I used to be.
Or I thought I was.
Or, looking back, I think now that I was then,
but then I thought I wasn’t.

I shiver.
The cold is broken shards of glass
at my throat.
“Remember the sun?” a voice asks from deep recesses
folded in the hills. “Remember when it spoke to you?”

Forgotten dances rot the roots,
the garden wilts,
soggy stems bend in unnatural angles.
Where are the singers? the minstrels? the Angels
we were promised?
Stand up on your own two feet!

I died, after all this,
of loneliness.
How, now, does one who is wispy as a forgotten ancient secret
find flesh again?
How does one differentiate oneself from air
and make a body of clay,
and who will breathe me into it?

Bike Ride with Poet

12/29/2011  SF

JGR

Around the side of the San Francisco Giants baseball stadium, where summer kayakers and retriever dogs vie for home run balls that land in China Basin, I near two women who are approaching the pier behind the stadium.  It is cool, foggy, December, after Christmas.  I’m on my bike.  The women are pulling suitcases on wheels.  One also carries a sleeping bag.

They walk onto the pier.  I’m confused.  Are they going to camp there like the homeless people?  They look far too cared for, for that.  Each has blond, streaked hair that must cost a lot to maintain.  They take an immediate left off the pier, down a ramp, to the series of block-long floating docks – a marina – where sailboats and motorboats are moored.  Of course.

I wonder which boat they’re on their way to.  Judging from the hair, a big one.  I figure I’ll see them on a boat when I return from the end of the pier.

No one else is on the pier but me. Near the end, I stop, lean my bike against a park bench and sit down.  At the bay end of the first floating dock is parked the biggest motor cruise boat in the marina.  Several girls, nine or ten, climb out onto the front deck and look out at the bay where huge freighters bide their time, with the brontosaur cranes of Oakland looming behind them.

The power cruiser is maybe fifty feet long.  It doesn’t have a helicopter pad but, I am happy to see, it will soon have its complement of cared for women with expensively streaked blond hair.  They pull their suitcases abeam, lift them over the side, and climb aboard.

A lone jogger, middle-aged, receding hairline, wearing ear buds, smiles as he trots past me to the very end of the pier.  He makes a circle and heads back toward the stadium.  As he goes past the second time, I smile, nod, and risk interrupting his jog by saying,

“You know, looking at those people on the boat …”

“What?” he asks, jogging in place, pulling the ear buds out.

“I was looking at those people on the boat,” I say, pointing to the two women who had just boarded The Largest Boat in the Marina, “And I was thinking that I’m really far luckier than they are.”

The jogger breaks into a big grin and says, “That’s great.  That’s a great frame of mind to be in.”  He pops his ear buds back in, and jogs off, still smiling.

On my ride back to Bernal Heights, once I loop over the China Basin draw bridge, and head down the road that borders the ball park parking lot, I look back at the marina, now a quarter of a mile away, where the tightly packed sailboats create, I have to say it, a forest of masts.

Even as the metaphor lands, it is getting a disapproving stare from Billy Collins, who has been riding along with me in my mind.  Too hackneyed.  A cliché among boated harbors.  Forests of masts turn Billy off almost as much as cicadas do.  Having listened to an interview with him on PBS last night, I know he has a comic distrust of poems with cicadas.

I don’t hear cicadas, but as I ride, I am listening to the regular hiss/crash/clang/echo of a pile driver slamming steel piles inch by inch into the ground on the other side of the huge ball park parking lot.  The UCSF medical school is adding to the array of buildings that is already tastefully scattered over four square blocks next to the bay.  It’s been going on for weeks.  Hiss/Crash/Clang.  Echo.

Billy might like the pile driver.  Not the forest of masts.  Definitely not cicadas.  But maybe the pile driver.

                                                                 #   #   #

On Being at the Apple Store

An hour at the Apple Store        one to one

passes faster than an hour long massage (which I adore)

is better than sex might be (as I recall)

is more uplifting than an inspirational simile

more inter-generational than an American family

Buzzes with more creative and productive energy

in one small space than in the entire rest of the mall

with more kindness and attention

than most patients get from nurses (by far)

In this creative, learning hour, walls come down

desire begets ability, which inspires vision,

then, more capacity,  an upward spiral…..

A kind of sacred space

full of wonder and possibility

full of kind and patient young men and women

leading their elders into a great adventure

This blessed hour — one to one– at the Apple Store

Gayle Markow

9/18/10

January 2011

The Climb

Think Fuji, Denali, Kilimanjaro – gradual at first, then ever steeper.

Toward the top there are no trees, only snow and rocks,

and a wind that blows from the end of the world.

I watched my mother those last 20 years, eighty to ninety-nine.

I used to say she was declining, but now I know it’s not a

slow slide down. It’s a long, hard climb up.

Watch a child get up from the floor.  She’s down, then she’s up.  Badda boom.

Badda bing. When I try to rise from the floor, it takes a plan, and I grunt

as I man-up, heaving a heavy harpoon at the great white whale of my aging.

You climb higher, get weaker. Knees give out, and hips, backs, hearts.

Your eyes and ears fail to report danger.  As your air thins, you think

you’ll see farther, but the world removes itself, grows distant, dim, confused.

Almost to the summit, it’s

like Norgay and Hillary on Everest:

Very slow, short steps.

Bend into the hill.

Catch your breath.

Another step.

Can’t catch

your breath.

Try to

get warm.

Rest.

By the time my mother summited, she was talking with her parents

half-a-century dead. Then she was there – at the edge of that

huge, round, mysterious opening to the world’s heat and light.

She teetered,

closed her eyes,

and let go.

Some cast notes on the poem.

My mom, Juanita Ramey Ramsay, was intelligent, well-read, funny, and could be caustically observant, as when she said about an aunt who always said the first thing that came to her mind, “She can’t help it honey.  She’s just stupid.”

Mom’s memory became increasingly confused in her 90s.  When she was around 95, my younger brother Gene was visiting her and said, “Mom, do you remember my son John was here last week?”  Mom said, “Well, now, that rings a bell.  ……  I’m just not sure which bell.”

She didn’t have any major health crises.  She just got older and older, and smaller and smaller.  In the summer of 2008, as she approached her 99th birthday in Evanston, Illinois, my brothers and I decided to visit her at the same time.  Ken came in from Cleveland, I from New York, Gene from Anchorage, Alaska.  We began to arrive early in the week.  We were all there by Tuesday.  Mom died on Thursday.

I live in Nyack, New York, but wrote “The Climb” in San Francisco in 2011 while visiting my bi-coastal partner Anita, who had introduced me to OWL, the Older Writers Laboratory.  The “owls” at OWL, including Anita, constantly surprise me with the freshness, insight and honesty in their poems.  They inspired me to focus on what’s important, to pare down what I wanted to say to what was essential.  It was in that frame of mind and ambience that I wrote “The Climb.”  I finished a final revision in June 2011, just after my 70th birthday.

#   #   #

So, yeah, I’m waxing poetic, but darn, I don’t have a poem to share.  I looked for a poem, but couldn’t find the right one.  Well, actually I think I did find the right one.  A poem I really love by my friend Jim.  But I need to write him and ask permission.  So, if he gives permission, I promise to share it here with you, soon.  It’s an extraordinary poem about growing old, and ALL that that means.

I just got back from visiting my 91 year old mom, who is in extraordinary shape — for her age.  Her mind is great.  Her body is slowing down, but still  mostly works, minus a little sense of balance and strength.  My dad died 2 1/2 years ago, and she’s been living alone since then.  We spent this last week looking at places where “active seniors” can move to be with other people, have more activities, more community, share meals together (without having to cook their own, and shop for them).  We visited 3 different “campuses” of “independent, active” living communities — which were different in terms of class (middle vs upper middle) and religious (secular vs christian).  The apartments, the food, the grounds, the activities, the sense of community and friendliness of the people, and more, all needed to be taken into account, not to mention the cost.  It was slightly dizzying.  We were on a steep learning curve as it seems the move may be imminent, not because she Has To, but because it’s seeming like it might be the “right” thing to do.  Sometimes I felt optimistic; sometimes I could feel my heart breaking.  Was it empathy or some degree of unhealthy merging?  Guilt?  Oy!  So many feelings.  My own sense of loss!  The family home the site of So Many family gatherings and family memorabilia for the last 35 years.  My mom was/is a trooper, and for the most part hid her pain at her impending loss bravely, perhaps stoically.  Of course, with the end of living in this home, full of the memories of her beloved husband and family, there will also be the beginning of living in a place that just might fulfill the needs she currently has for companionship, friendships, all kinds of activities she can’t and/or doesn’t do at home.

While I find all the stages of life, including old age and death  compelling, fascinating, etc. my mom is not one to enjoy a conversation about aging and death.  We met with and talked with so many elders, some whom my mother recognized from 60 years ago.   I wondered at their courage too, and wondered about their life stories.  Mostly they talked about how much they loved living in these “independent” communities, and how they hoped my mom would join them.

I want there to be a poem  to share with you.   My heart is aching, and breaking, and thrumming….  I’ll ask my friend Jim.  And if any of you have some poems or thoughts to share, I’d welcome that too.

I don’t even have a picture of the places we looked at to share with you.  But I do have a picture of a palm tree and an orange tree that I took one day on a walk around the block where my mom currently lives.  It’s not where I grew up, but I did grow up in Phoenix, and I can tell you that Phoenix was all about palm trees and orange trees.  To this day, orange blossoms are my very favorite scent in the world.

Sending you love and best wishes for a fabulous, happy, serene, or frolicking end of the year, and best wishes for a happy, fabulous, serene, and frolicking year to come!  May all beings be peaceful and happy, and care for one another with the one great heart of the world!

♥   Gayle

Visiting my mom and other family in my hometown, Phoenix, Arizona.  Here’s a poem I just wrote as I sit here in the local Starbuck’s, the morning after….

Yesterday Christmas in Phoenix

Today hot chocolate at Starbuck’s

Intersection of “Muebleria del Sol”, Chevron, Big Lots, and Circle K

Observing life on the road

Sun and shadow

People looking for caffeine, sugar, some kind of happiness

Six days ’til next year.

A million possibilities.

Wishing you and all beings ease, happiness, peace, freedom.

♥   Gayle

BEING HUMAN

Chocolate almond midnight

Thursday morning gift

our ever-changing experience of body and breath

the child’s fear, essentially of death

Possibilities of loving wisely and well,

Here it is, the secret that saved my life

And then, inspired by our evening of Cut Ups, Montserrat created  several more.  Here’s  one of them.  The picture of Martin Luther King Jr. is the front of the card.  The second image is the inside of the card.  Brava Montserrat!

 

Morning Song

It begins with a single finch

Followed by the sound of

Chickadees and blackbirds.

Then comes the hammering

Of woodpecker

Bearing down into heartwood,

And boisterous geese

Descending like planes

Into cold ponds.

Until a unison of song

Heralds the new day.

I want everyday to be like this,

Where I feel dawn

Rise up in my body

And sunrise in my heart

Warming fingertips

And crisp frosted leaves.

Where early rays

Turn still aspen trees

Into pillars of light,

So luminous,

They transcend

Their rootedness.

While the silent stars

Make way for this day

Teem with possibility,

Reminding me,

I too can paint the canvas

Of this life

With confident strokes

And usher in

Some new song of delight.

Profound insight gained

During a five day retreat

Up at Spirit Rock:

Your bright red toenails,

Done at the nail salon?  OM

Mani-Pedi Hum

–Jennifer Scaff King

My women’s Kalyana Mitta group (spiritual friend group) that started last February is about to complete our first book, “A big new free happy unusual life” by Nina Wise.  The subtitle is “self-expression and spiritual practice for those who have time for neither”.  We gather twice a month  and each meeting we do one or two practices described in Nina’s book.  This last week we did a practice (on p 211) called “Cut Ups”.

The instructions were to “Reach into your paper recycling bin, grab a piece at random and cut or tear it up into small pieces…     Select five or six of the pieces that contain phrases you find of interest and build a sequence, a poem.”

We also looked at, and read, the practice of Generosity of p. 221, and made our “cut up” poems as cards with the intention to gift it to someone who has been important in our life this past year.

Using many of the various practices ( writing, drawing, vocalizing, movement, sculpture, etc) in Nina’s book has been stimulating, fun, sometimes challenging, always engaging.  Doing these practices as a group, as well as meditating and chanting together, checking in, sharing snacks, etc.  has helped us to create a group that is energetic, supportive, collaborative, enlivening and compassionate.

We wanted to share with you the results of our latest practice “Cut Ups”.  We hope you enjoy them.  and ps.  Many thanks to Nina Wise for her glorious book!

windchime of leaves, fellowship of dawn and dusk

rust is a very slow fire,

small wonder we personalized the night

aperture of the mind widens

deer slouch through

then everything shines

—-Colleen Lookingbill

In each of us, there is a young, suffering child.

That inability to see is a kind of ignorance.

sustain confusion and habitual patterns

come home to ourselves

This is the energy  –  something new.

the never-ending energy of our basic goodness

—-Barbara Redfield

seeds in my hands

a thousand years of profound insights

doesn’t make life perfect; it doesn’t make

us immortal;

if I went to a certain park across

the bridge.  The stuff of magic and miracles,

away like two hooded fairies.

—-Jennifer Scaff King

Now that you know what you know, there’s no turning back.

Stop and swear, pound the steering wheel,

Take at least two deep breaths.

Name that feeling.

Eat a rainbow.

Can it really be this simple?

—-Deb Garland

—- Maximilienne Ewait

—-Freidel Cohen

I drop the labels and allow things to be as they are

wool, water, feathers, and dreams.

Just this moment, this life

promise of papaya and mango

Often I burst out laughing

I move to my pillow, a down-puff extravagance

—-Gayle Markow

express yourself

born with 100 billion brain cells

access “inner experts”

gratitude and an abiding zest

ebullience in your bones

grow your own

—-Barbara Patinkin